I realised today, that I’m back.
Where have I been? Lost in the dark place that is depression – to be technical about it, reactive depression, in fact.
It took me a little while to realise what was wrong with me. When I thought of depression, I thought it meant being sad all the time – I wasn’t sad all the time, some of the time sure, but not all the time. A better word was numb.
I didn’t feel joy, or excitement, or fun, or anger, or frustration – it all blended into this beige-like mist of numbness. All leading into that big, old question of, ‘Well, what’s the point?’
Once I’d asked myself that, I realised that the point was that I had a job to do – raising my children. My partner travels for work regularly – I am their person that meets their needs, and we have a limited support network, so without me they would really struggle. My thought process at the time was that I would get something to make me feel good for now, then when they were old enough to be okay, I would go back to my numbness and disappear into it.
Today, I made a joke about something in a carefree way that I thought was funny. I tasted the food entering my mouth and enjoyed eating it. I felt sad when my children left for school because I wanted to hang out with them, but we have work and school. I had someone send me messages and call me “lovely” – and I know they weren’t being ironic or mean. I set up something at work and had so much fun doing it.
I feel like I’m back to being me, I found myself after wading through that darkness for a long while.
It was hard work – I had to be honest with myself, which sucks. I had to ask the Dr for help, and cry in his office the whole time. I had to answer questionnaires to see just how badly I was doing (it was bad – severe to be technical again), I had to go and talk to a professional – and that was way out of my comfort zone at first.
I know now that the weight of unsaid things is ridiculously heavy. I’m still trying to lighten myself of the heavy load. But I’m getting there.
Asking for help is hard. But you are worth it.
If you read this today, and need to hear that the darkness ends – it does, but ask for help. We can’t always be at our best, asking for help can only lead to a better place.